Unpacking a dirty word: Masculinity

An article about masculinity has been discussed here at mwah. for at least 2 years.

I am probably the natural author of it – and I’ve been hesitant beyond belief.

If this was written by a female, the risk is quickly offsiding men; from me, there’s the risk of being painted as missing the detracting points on masculinity – which I don’t think is the case.

With our own little boy growing up, a divisive geopolitical backdrop, global reversion in Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging, the rise and rise of microchambers and bubbles of news and media, and stark impacts of social media (this is the first and last time I will write ‘Adolescence’ in this article…!!) – the risk of not putting alternative views forward is significantly worse than just penning my thoughts about Masculinity.

As a man who is imperfect, but tries to be (generally) good, and do (generally) good, we need to have more conversations about masculinity.

And these need to not ONLY be about how men, and boys, are Neanderthals from the cavemen era, driven solely by impulse, incapable of going beyond their base instincts to emerge as evolved creatures. We can’t only paint men and boys as awful, to have their behaviour managed and controlled, opposed to explored, understood and nurtured.

I’ve met some great people of all genders, and some people that need to work on themselves of all genders.

Naturally, our own individual context is everything in where we stand on any topic.

Here’s a snapshot of mine – as a reference point. And I appreciate it’s a pretty central view, from a pretty fortunate life.

In my story, I initially had a Mum and Dad, then just a Mum with a Nan and a Pa, my brother, an Aunt, Uncle, cousins and lots of family and friends. Families absolutely need not be so nuclear or ‘normative’, but whatever the family unit looks like – I firmly believe some base foundations of unconditional love, support, openness, and forward momentum are EVERYTHING to everyone whoever you are, and whoever you aspire to be.

A single parent family, raised by Mum from when I was 3 years old and my little brother was 11-months-old. Dad split. I didn’t know it at 3 but that’s a big inflection point on masculinity early on – as I saw and hoped for most other Dads – contributing to their family, raising their kids, doing the best they could.

Mum moved us back with Nan and Pa, built an extension, and it was a total blessing. Getting that multigenerational exposure up close – had some frustrating moments at the time – but – it makes you more empathetic, and more able to relate and talk to people at different times from different ages and backgrounds.

Thankfully, it was a different era, and a more positive take on masculinity for me. My Pa, Reg, was a great man, who along with my Nan, Joan, took us back in after seeing the way my Mother was treated. But if Reg was here today, he’d be tarred with the brush of being a certain way, as an older white bloke who is the problem who can’t change. And I don’t think that’s it at all.

He was smart, generally calm (until we threw balls at his garage door as kids), learned – a lover of maths and history, open to people, a WWII wireless operator and an estimator and Finance Director – who left the UK on an adventure – and spent a fraction longer in Australia than he had in the UK when he passed.

We were so loved, went to the excellent local public primary school, co-ed, and then went a few suburbs up on the trainline to an all-boys Selective public high school.

Masculinity in that context, became more complicated. As young men, we had all the usual stuff. We were (and still are) imperfect. Sometimes we treated each other poorly. There was the odd push and shove and verbal slings. We were finding our own versions of masculinity, or better put as humanity. We were exploring, repressing, verbalising, explaining, pondering, deciding and ultimately, finding ourselves.

Masculinity isn’t black and white, it is just as complex and worthy a concept as femininity, or wider identities beyond the binary.  I don’t think any of these things have to be totally oppositional forces – fighting each other – they, and others, can work more harmoniously, if we open our minds.

As we found ourselves at different paces, 20 years on, wherever we are in the world, in our life – we come at each other with a supportive base, and a different level of openness. That’s not discussed in masculinity very much!

We see each other’s achievements, families, and lives – as rich, and complicated, and to be celebrated.

Right now, the voices on masculinity – are everywhere.

The voices play a unique game of word association – of new and old words – most of which drive binary emotion, usually – quite negative on the whole idea of masculinity. With the media on domestic violence, social media, behaviour +++ – I get it.

But to boys and young men, we are telling them, many times a day through multiple sources that masculinity is:

• Broken
• Toxic
• Irreparable

If you hear only one thing over and over, the risk is it becomes true.

We need boys to find and shape better versions of masculinity.

There are clearly some significant problems that need addressing.

It’s okay to be imperfect.

But using a solely deficit-based model on a core tenant of a huge population’s identity – masculinity – is fraught with danger and stoking the fire, not fixing where it is at.

We know what’s behind that. We can’t ignore it, and can’t downplay it.

Social media, behaviour – be it silly mistakes, poor choices, bullying, harassment, incomprehensible behaviour, criminality. The interactions we hear about from or of boys and men every day – paint a dire picture.

Just last night, Alexis Ohanian, a Co-Founder of Reddit (no comment!) and husband to the amazing tennis player, entrepreneur, advocate and Mum, Serena Williams – posted on a pretty similar topic. That young men are searching for direction, have had the wrong blueprint

1. Have deeper conversations – with no holds barred on the issues, and possibilities. We need to have more and deeper conversations on these topics. We need people of all genders to discuss these things, and help shape a better future for boys and men. I’ve heard way to many Mums shaping their own child’s identity around strange notions, assumed good or bad, not as individually referenced, strengths-based and hopeful!

2. Zero tolerance examples. Alongside deeper conversations, must be zero tolerance of the truly awful. We can’t let men murder women, full stop. We need to get men pulling each other up on things that don’t make space for better men, or for other people.

3. Reset the blueprint – off a better base. We need to reset the blueprint. What are the list of words boys and men should aspire to be? What are baselines of good humanity and decency, and what should masculinity mean going forward?

 It’s time to take masculinity from a dirty word, to a better one.

Join me.